Forgiveness. According to Merriam Webster, forgiving means "allowing room for error or weakness." Forgive is "to give up resentment of or claim to requittal for; to grant relief from payment of; to cease to feel resentment against." But how does it work? Really work? Is it all encompassing? Do I give up being offended so fully that I can apologize for my part in it without feeling my heart scream, "SHE STARTED IT!!" The definition is so active. It doesn't say to stop feeling resentment, it says to cease. Cease, on purpose, feeling any claim over a person because of what they've done. But then what?
My dad's wife used to sign the cards she sent me "Mom." Last summer, she swung into another cycle of ignoring me and I let her have it. Email after email, streams of angry words, some of them in the not-appropriate-for-children category of language. All of those words true, most of them unwarranted. So, now I don't get many cards. If I do, they're signed, "Rita." Do you get to decide to stop being someone's mom, even when they act like an a**? My lack of relationship with her has cost me much of my relationship with my dad. There's no way back, except through her. And I don't hate her. I love her. She was a good mom, when she wanted to be. Is it enough to send her a Happy Easter text? Do I have to stop being mad about a year spent punishing me, and apologize for my torrent of words last summer?
My sister has wished me out of existence since I came home from the hospital 36 + years ago. She's told me many times how I interfered with her life, simply by existing. Last summer, same summer (great summer) I also angered her with an email, and she launched into a season of ignoring me. How does forgivness work? How can I seek forgiveness, if she won't tell me what I've done? And are all relationships worth working for? Is that what we are here on this planet to learn?
Women are a pain in the ass. At least the women in my family are. I do, however, want to figure it all out before my daughter finds out just how MUCH of a pain in the ass we are. So I will find a way to be to them what I want them to be for me. I will forgive first, reach out first, in hopes that at the very least it will make me grow. So here goes .....
