When the night is over

Sweet sweet girl. How many times do I have to sit by your side at night, stroking your hair, wishing my fingers could paint enough love into your forehead to make up for the fact I am not the mom I would dream for you? I lose my way, my patience, my ability to remember what this is all about, so very easily. Sure, it was a snow day. School was cancelled. We were supposed to go to your Papa's house, but the weather changed our plans. I tried to roll along but I am not as flexible or generous of heart as I pretend to be. So your Gramma's here. We were supposed to go shopping, she and I. She was disappointed when the snow day was announced. We spent too much time lamenting our lost adult time and not enough time embracing you. And you must have sensed it, sensed my lack of what to give, and you needed me, you asked for me. I tried to explain, I tried to spend time, but it wasn't what you needed. So when I told you tonight that I'd had enough, really the truth is that I just didn't give enough. And now you are asleep, and I sit here beside you. I forget how lucky I am to have you. I forget that you didn't ask for me. I chose you. I brought you into this. I thought I'd figure it out along the way. And just when I think I'm doing okay I fail you. So, beautiful angel, gift from God, I give you my promise. Tonight I will stroke messages of love into your forehead, hoping you will dream sweet dreams, and tomorrow I will get up and try again to give you all that you deserve. Or at least some of it. And I pray that the love I have for you will overwhelm my mistakes and you will know how deeply you are loved.