Forgiveness

Forgiveness. According to Merriam Webster, forgiving means "allowing room for error or weakness." Forgive is "to give up resentment of or claim to requittal for; to grant relief from payment of; to cease to feel resentment against." But how does it work? Really work? Is it all encompassing? Do I give up being offended so fully that I can apologize for my part in it without feeling my heart scream, "SHE STARTED IT!!" The definition is so active. It doesn't say to stop feeling resentment, it says to cease. Cease, on purpose, feeling any claim over a person because of what they've done. But then what?
My dad's wife used to sign the cards she sent me "Mom." Last summer, she swung into another cycle of ignoring me and I let her have it. Email after email, streams of angry words, some of them in the not-appropriate-for-children category of language. All of those words true, most of them unwarranted. So, now I don't get many cards. If I do, they're signed, "Rita." Do you get to decide to stop being someone's mom, even when they act like an a**? My lack of relationship with her has cost me much of my relationship with my dad. There's no way back, except through her. And I don't hate her. I love her. She was a good mom, when she wanted to be. Is it enough to send her a Happy Easter text? Do I have to stop being mad about a year spent punishing me, and apologize for my torrent of words last summer?
My sister has wished me out of existence since I came home from the hospital 36 + years ago. She's told me many times how I interfered with her life, simply by existing. Last summer, same summer (great summer) I also angered her with an email, and she launched into a season of ignoring me. How does forgivness work? How can I seek forgiveness, if she won't tell me what I've done? And are all relationships worth working for? Is that what we are here on this planet to learn?
Women are a pain in the ass. At least the women in my family are. I do, however, want to figure it all out before my daughter finds out just how MUCH of a pain in the ass we are. So I will find a way to be to them what I want them to be for me. I will forgive first, reach out first, in hopes that at the very least it will make me grow. So here goes .....

Undeserved Love

God has spent my life weaving a love story. Regardless of my path, I come around the corner and stumble upon His love at every turn. I wish I could say this makes me strong enough to love Him alone. I wish I could say my passion for Jesus was so filling to my soul that I don't need anything else. As much as I want to be that strong independent woman I always thought I'd be, I'm not. Not really. I like relationship. I love my friends. I adore my children. I tried dogs but they poop on my stuff and my love isn't that strong. But I love love love being in relationship. When it comes to men, this isn't an easy bent to have. Especially since that area of my life has not shown the most excellent notes of success. I thought that God would want to teach me the "how to be strong and alone" lessons. Especially after my marriage failed. I thought maybe I deserved to be alone, like time out. And then suddenly, just like a loving Father would, He brought me the most wonderful gift. Completely undeserved and so much more than I could have dreamed. I read all of those magazine articles about making lists of what you want in a man so that it would come true. I couldn't have made a list to describe Darren in my wildest imagination. And yet, here he is. He is so very handsome, physically all I could ever dream. He is kind, thoughtful, generous, intelligent, and fun. He does boy things, like shooting guns and fixing pipes and building stuff. He also does man things, like making good decisions, being ethical and conscientious at work, and striving constantly to be a better father to his sons. He sends me flowers, thinks I'm funny and beautiful, and tells me so. We click in all of those silly ways that I never thought possible. I was never mushy and now I can't stop, as if all of this sappiness was locked up inside and now might possibly drown you if you ask me about it. He makes me want to shout from the mountain tops. And because God is a Father who does nothing without perfection, He allowed this amazing man to fall in love with me. With me!

Life is good. Love is good. God is going to make a love story out of me yet. Just watch.