Forgiveness

Forgiveness. According to Merriam Webster, forgiving means "allowing room for error or weakness." Forgive is "to give up resentment of or claim to requittal for; to grant relief from payment of; to cease to feel resentment against." But how does it work? Really work? Is it all encompassing? Do I give up being offended so fully that I can apologize for my part in it without feeling my heart scream, "SHE STARTED IT!!" The definition is so active. It doesn't say to stop feeling resentment, it says to cease. Cease, on purpose, feeling any claim over a person because of what they've done. But then what?
My dad's wife used to sign the cards she sent me "Mom." Last summer, she swung into another cycle of ignoring me and I let her have it. Email after email, streams of angry words, some of them in the not-appropriate-for-children category of language. All of those words true, most of them unwarranted. So, now I don't get many cards. If I do, they're signed, "Rita." Do you get to decide to stop being someone's mom, even when they act like an a**? My lack of relationship with her has cost me much of my relationship with my dad. There's no way back, except through her. And I don't hate her. I love her. She was a good mom, when she wanted to be. Is it enough to send her a Happy Easter text? Do I have to stop being mad about a year spent punishing me, and apologize for my torrent of words last summer?
My sister has wished me out of existence since I came home from the hospital 36 + years ago. She's told me many times how I interfered with her life, simply by existing. Last summer, same summer (great summer) I also angered her with an email, and she launched into a season of ignoring me. How does forgivness work? How can I seek forgiveness, if she won't tell me what I've done? And are all relationships worth working for? Is that what we are here on this planet to learn?
Women are a pain in the ass. At least the women in my family are. I do, however, want to figure it all out before my daughter finds out just how MUCH of a pain in the ass we are. So I will find a way to be to them what I want them to be for me. I will forgive first, reach out first, in hopes that at the very least it will make me grow. So here goes .....

Undeserved Love

God has spent my life weaving a love story. Regardless of my path, I come around the corner and stumble upon His love at every turn. I wish I could say this makes me strong enough to love Him alone. I wish I could say my passion for Jesus was so filling to my soul that I don't need anything else. As much as I want to be that strong independent woman I always thought I'd be, I'm not. Not really. I like relationship. I love my friends. I adore my children. I tried dogs but they poop on my stuff and my love isn't that strong. But I love love love being in relationship. When it comes to men, this isn't an easy bent to have. Especially since that area of my life has not shown the most excellent notes of success. I thought that God would want to teach me the "how to be strong and alone" lessons. Especially after my marriage failed. I thought maybe I deserved to be alone, like time out. And then suddenly, just like a loving Father would, He brought me the most wonderful gift. Completely undeserved and so much more than I could have dreamed. I read all of those magazine articles about making lists of what you want in a man so that it would come true. I couldn't have made a list to describe Darren in my wildest imagination. And yet, here he is. He is so very handsome, physically all I could ever dream. He is kind, thoughtful, generous, intelligent, and fun. He does boy things, like shooting guns and fixing pipes and building stuff. He also does man things, like making good decisions, being ethical and conscientious at work, and striving constantly to be a better father to his sons. He sends me flowers, thinks I'm funny and beautiful, and tells me so. We click in all of those silly ways that I never thought possible. I was never mushy and now I can't stop, as if all of this sappiness was locked up inside and now might possibly drown you if you ask me about it. He makes me want to shout from the mountain tops. And because God is a Father who does nothing without perfection, He allowed this amazing man to fall in love with me. With me!

Life is good. Love is good. God is going to make a love story out of me yet. Just watch.

Relief

Sometimes God comes through. I don't mean He doesn't always come through. I mean sometimes when I least expect it, least deserve it, and have spent the least amount of time asking for it, He comes through. In His big grand way. And answers the prayers I have not known how to pray.
I am living in the middle of proof that money makes a mess of family court. The sperm donor landed himself a Philly girl with rich parents. And the legal documents thrown my way are endless and horrifying. Sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I want to give up. And then the pastor talks about remembering whose battle this really is. Paul did not consider himself a prisoner of the Romans, though they held him. He considered him a prisoner of Christ, for whom he served.
So I don't fight a battle of my own. This blue eyed angel was created for a reason, protected for a reason, and given to me for a reason, so I will not give up. I started this week with that simple prayer, facing the 2nd of 2 abusive, cornered-in-opposing-council's-office, videotaped and hassled depositions. And God comes through. The depositions been cancelled. The pressure is off. Hallelujah!!

Ranting

I never knew it would be this hard. People say, "What do you do?" I'm not sure where to start. I'm a single mom. I have a full time job (that I love.) I have 14 college credits this term. When I'm done trying to describe what I "do" and the glaze fades from the eyes of the poor sap who asked me, they say, "Wow. You are a busy lady. How do you do it?" Before the question is out though, they have one foot moving the other direction. I don't know how I do it and I know they don't really want to know either. It's not sexy like Erin Brokovich. Or I'm not. Or something. I am developing a deeper understanding of women who stay with men who suck, because sometimes being alone sucks more. I'm also developing a lack of patience for men in general because I just don't have the energy to figure out if their suckiness is worth figuring out. Sometimes I'd love to have someone here to share some inane fact I just learned in my sociology class, or to help start the mac and cheese so I don't lose the steam I have going on the paper I'm writing. And then I figure he would be too busy watching tv to listen to me talk or start the mac and cheese, and then I'd have to wash his socks before I got back to my paper. Makes my empty bed look better. Sometimes I wonder if I have enough brain cells for this. Figure out how to write a grant so the non profit I'm working for stays afloat. Teach myself web programming because we can't afford a web designer and nobody volunteers anymore. Write 4 papers a week and prepare for my math test. Learn Spanish in an online class when I can hardly understand the instructions, and they are written in English. Oh, and I'm sorry, what? My kids need homework help?

What do I do? My brain is too full to answer you now. Ask me in a few years.

Reflections on eHarmony

I am compiling a list of dos and don'ts for men wanting to post profiles on dating websites. Well, a list of mostly don'ts at the moment but I will keep adding to this. Here are a few:

1. DON'T pick for your main profile photo a shot of you wearing camouflage, holding a rifle, and standing in front of a curtain in what looks like a semi finished basement. I am going to assume that your first two eHarmony matches are chained up behind the curtain.

2. DON'T say that you are looking for someone to teach you how to trust. You simply mean you are looking for someone to pay for what SHE did to you.

3. DON'T get on eHarmony if you're not divorced yet.

4. DON'T classify yourself in the body type section as "needs to lose a few" if you are 75 pounds overweight. 75 is not a few. 8 is a few.

5. DON'T say you want kids because you think that's what women want to hear. If I see you want to breed, I DELETE YOU. I already have bladder control issues on a trampoline. No more people need to live in this body with me ever again.

More to come. I am learning so much. I may never fall in love again but I will always be here to irritate those who try!

Smarter than he looks

Sometimes I hear my kids playing and I think, Alex isn't going to get it. His sister has outsmarted him again. I will learn someday not to underestimate him. The other day, I heard him say, "Elena, I don't like your shoes." She stopped for a moment and then replied, "Well, it's opposite day!!" Feeling vindicated, she turned to walk happily away. She and I both thought she had him. She didn't get a few feet across the room before I heard his happy reply, "Heeeey Eleeenaaaaa! I loooooove your shoes!"

Oh these little people that live in my house are so amazing. Who needs sitcoms??

I sent an email I am still unsure of. These things fester in my heart and by the time they become emails, Lord help the recipient. I did wait on this one, and edit and edit. Through the years since my divorce one of my ex husbands favorite past times has been latching on to what is important to me in order to bother me with it. (Or so it seems from my point of view.) He clung desperately to our pastor and would call me victoriously to announce their next golf game. When I left that church, he grew bored and lost touch with that pastor. Whenever he possibly can, he will latch on to conversations with my family, who are boundlessly more generous and loving than his own. Because to his family, I am "dead" (yes, picture a large Italian woman spitting on the floor) he finds great joy in not being dead to mine. On one hand this is a beautiful picture of the love people have for one another. They see him as the father of my children and their words and cards of encouragement would be an enormous blessing in most situations. Unfortunately, my ex can't keep the love they've shown to himself. He calls me joyfully to announce the father's day card from my parents. He speaks endlessly of his plans to golf with my stepbrother when his job takes him to Boise. He is (or was ... but that's to come) facebook friends with them all. He loves nothing more than to tell me he spent a Sunday at my sister's discussing the multitude of things that are wrong with me. I have asked family members in the past to cut off contact with him, both because of his attitude and because I would like to have a new husband someday and I want them to have room in our family for him. I began feeling lately that I hadn't asked strongly enough, as recent contact with my ex from my family started an extremely stressful argument between us. So, I wrote a group email to my parents and siblings giving them an opportunity to choose. Relationship with him or relationship with me. I sent the email two days ago, and so far no response. However, it does seem that the ex has been dumped as a facebook friend by a few .... just a stepsister and a brother in law to go.

These are conversations I wish I didn't have to have. This is what people don't consider when they think of what it's like to be divorced. I don't regret my divorce because the things that drove us apart still have not changed and likely will never change, but this is not easy. Not for anyone.